Healthy boundaries are essential to live a happy life! If you are like me then you know that sometime this is something that comes easy to you. Maybe bc you weren't raised to know or even taught how to respect yourself in that sense. Because I believe that if you don't have a GOOD role model then it is that much hard to seek how to set your boundaries in a healthy way... Why do I keep saying HEALTHY well bc there was times in my (past life) or formal salve had thought that in order for me to be respected I had to DEMAND to be treated with respect! -That my friend is a bold face lie that most of us tell ourselves to hide the fact that we might have triggers and haven't taken a closer look at how deeply it is truly affecting our life's.
When you first opened this blog, you might have thought this way going to be steps to take in order to set boundaries. And it is, but maybe not in the way you first initially expect. Before you can establish healthy boundaries you first need to really look at the things that trigger you. I have found that you might not even know what triggers you till you take that look at your inner dialog with yourself. At first you might confuse things that simply annoy you.
So, what is a TRIGGER:
A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people!
Did you know that a person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: (sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.)
The thing I want to point out about triggers, before we move on to boundaries, is that as we grow and heal from our pasts and bad habits, we learn how to avoid, prevent, and deal with our triggers in a better way. Many triggers can dissipate completely with hard work, focus, and time.
I urge you if you truly want to learn how to set healthy boundaries you need to take a look at your triggers this way you can learn why you are being set off on this emotional rollercoaster with yourself.
When I first was learning how I wanted to be treated in a way that honor who I am; I felt like it was an emotional rollercoaster and that is because I had to learn why I needed a boundary in the first place!
It is possible to set a boundary based on a trigger that you’ve experienced, but there are good and bad ways of doing that. If your “boundary” is put into place so that you don’t have to get upset anymore, then that’s an uniformed way of doing things. And to be honest, not a great boundary. The aim of boundaries is to take value in yourself, and protect yourself from being repeatedly disrespected.
Then we have boundaries, which are in contrast, a necessary part of living a mature, healthy life. A boundary is you deciding that you don’t want to be treated in a certain way, or that you will not put up with a specific behavior directed toward you or conducted in your presence.
A few examples of a person exhibiting healthy boundaries include:
- Being able to say, "no," and accept when someone else says, "no"
- Being able to clearly communicate both wants and needs
- Honoring and respecting their own needs and the needs of others
- Respecting others' values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they are different from one's own
- Feeling free to disclose and share information where appropriate
- Though they can be flexible, they do not compromise themselves in an unhealthy way
A few examples of a person exhibiting unhealthy boundaries include:
- Having a difficult time saying, "no"
- Having trouble accepting "no" from others
- Not clearly communicating one's needs and wants
- Easily compromising personal values, beliefs, and opinions to satisfy others
- Being coercive or manipulative to get others to do something they don't want to do
- Oversharing personal information
People who have been abused as children may not know healthy boundaries. They often grow up with a lack of control over their personal, physical boundaries.
Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in a person's life. Where you place your stop signs and what you consider crossing the line varies based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions.
Now when you feel as though you aren't being respected; and that the boundary you set is being violated.
When you get upset, but you treat triggers like boundaries, you set yourself up for undue separation from others, and stunt your own personal development. If someone keeps crossing boundaries while knowing they’re your boundaries, that person does not respect you and does not deserve your time and effort. But if someone keeps triggering you, it’s a different situation. Often, people don’t know about triggers, because we don’t like to dredge up painful subjects, but also, I think it requires a different approach because you do intend on healing in that area, and changing.
We can think of triggers as temporary boundaries. When it comes to the people in our support networks, it is good to communicate what’s going on, and how to avoid triggering you, so that they can help make your days a little bit easier. At the same time, it is up to you to decide how you want to work at them. It may involve talking it out with a professional (or just a friend), desensitizing yourself to your trigger in certain situations, journaling, learning coping skills, etc. But the point is, your path to healing is your own, and it’s worth it to attempt!!
You don’t need someone else’s permission to keep yourself safe. And don’t beat yourself up about it if you feel “silly” or like you’re “overreacting”. A sort of “why can’t I just be normal?!” Because remember, this is your trigger, not your boundary. And you’re working on it.
So, when you’re getting upset and you feel called to stand up for yourself and take action, do it. But try to reflect on whether you’re running into a trigger or a boundary first. This will help you decide just what action should be taken, and how you want to handle it in the future.
Most importantly remember you are NOT alone and WORTH living a life you feel GOOD living!!!!!